The first thing

(See paragraph eleven) but for the sake of all that is good, don’t skip to it!

I am often surprised in check out lines at the supermarket how frightened people are of the food that they are taking home to nourish their families.

I see things segregated, double wrapped, separate bags for different meats (one person requested a different bag for each of four trays of stew beef, which were already sealed in wrap AND individually bagged with produce bags), and other strange and pointless rituals. The checkout people ask (when things are not segregated into produce bags) if I would like them to be. The conversations between people who know so little about the realities of (and rarity of) food borne illness and what the basics of food handling are are maddening.

Conversely, I cannot begin to describe the horror I feel when I see the sandwich shop people…or worse, the people behind the butcher counter at a supermarket wear plastic gloves. The same cheap plastic gloves till they rip. I was trained to wash my hands after every operation. That works way better (way, way, way better) and you will never get athletes hand. Athletes Hand! On your hands that are touching other peoples food!

We (human beings) live in a very narrow environment, and we are the most suited to change of any organism on this planet. When the temperature drops below 40 (F), even the strongest of us begin to need protection. Below freezing, even the most inured of us need at least intermittent shelter. Ten degrees below zero, we are in danger. The same at the other end; over 90 we need at least shade. Over 110, we need intermittent cooling. Above a certain altitude, there is not enough oxygen for us to survive, neither can we exist under water. Yet, our skin protects us from salts, mild acids, mild base substances. Our immune system protects us from many microbial, viral, fungal, and bacterial threats (and it can be made stronger by mild exposure and more recently by drugs, immunotherapy, and vaccination)

Consider even other advanced life forms. Polar bears and penguins? We live where they do. Lizards and armadillos? We live where they do. Macaws, Elephants, and panthers? Put an armadillo where the polar bear lives. Less than a day and you have a frozen (treat?)

Think of trees. Palms and mahogany: equatorial. Evergreens? The more severe the cold, the more evergreens. Yet no trees above a certain altitude even at the equator.

The aforementioned threats (microbial, viral, fungal, and bacterial) are not so lucky. They live in much narrower environments. Salinity, temperature, acidity, moisture all must be in narrow slots. Yeasts, for instance, are killed by as little as seven percent alcohol solution (their own piss, diluted). Most fungus is destroyed by direct sunlight (UV rays), as are many other bacteria.

As a basic rule, the simpler the life form, the narrower it’s environmental niche. Also, it is more often than not the great profusion of the thing that kills us, not the random contact. There are exceptions; one gram of pure botulism in the NYC central park reservoir would kill every resident of the greater NY area were no steps in place to keep that from happening.

Simpler organisms do have some advantages, though. If you freeze many fast and cold enough, they don’t die, they are preserved (suspended animation, although “animation” implies will, so that may not be the correct term). Surprisingly, I discovered that the same thing happens in alcohol. A lower concentration of alcohol for an extended period may kill more microbes than a 100 percent solution which may preserve a certain amount of the population.

All of the above is a preamble. I am publishing this concurrently with “Beef Jerky”. Obviously, raw beef is a thing. A thing that you make beef jerky with. And Tar Tar. Have I mentioned Tar Tar? Maybe later. Beef jerky is literally a way to preserve food so you can eat it a long time in the future without dying. Which means you need to have a general understanding of how food goes bad and what we do to slow, curtail, or surmount that eventuality.

The reason that companies that sell food dehydrators suggest processing meats and fish at 160 degrees (well done in the case of Beef) is to avoid law suits because most people can’t be bothered to learn basic stuff, and consequently want to blame some one else when they fuck up through ignorance and maybe kill grandma or themselves. At 160 degrees, the beef is effectively sterilized. It is also ruined except in the case of proper BBQ.

THE FIRST THING:

The VERY first thing is to buy quality ingredients from people that care. Or from chains that are deathly afraid of lawsuits and bad press. Avoid behemoths that squelch bad press and counter sue 80 year olds with legitimate complaints (see the McDonald’s hot coffee suit. Believe it or not, she was justified when you have all of the facts).

When you are going to preserve or pickle foods, except in very rare instances (pickled cepes, figs), start with fresh, beautiful specimens. Fruits with unbroken skins, larger cuts of meats, vegetables crisp from the garden. Right off the bat, you know that there is not going to be a surprise inside.

In the case of beef, the most likely contaminant is salmonella. This is not likely to be present at all in grass fed beef, but in corn fed and lot fed cattle it is in the last bit of the intestinal tract (yup. That part. Just before the, uh, exit). When the cattle are slaughtered on a fast line (when the cattle are slaughtered in an industrial slaughterhouse in America), the said organ is often pierced or sliced. Shit everywhere. If you buy hanging beef or large cuts, or go to a reputable butcher, this is not an issue. It will have been washed right off the surface. If you buy frozen ground beef…cook it well done. Not only is it likely to be from many cows, ground together in a hopper that only gets cleaned two or three times a shift, but a whole bottom round might have 2 square feet of surface area. Grind it, and there are a few thousand square feet. The salmonella is mixed all up in there if it wasn’t handled properly and conscientiously prior to grinding.

Acid, sulpha compounds (found in most alliums, but seriously prevalent in Garlic), and heat kill salmonella (at different rates depending on concentration. Enough sulpha to kill the salmonella on contact would also be harmful to you) Acids include lemon juice, vinegar, wine.

But do you want acids or wine or garlic in what you are making? (OK. If you got here from Jerky, YES!!!) Start with ingredients that are less likely to need pre treatment.

In the case of pork, Trichinosis. When I was still a cook, in the eighties, if I remember correctly there had been only three cases of trichinosis in the prior decade, two from bear meat (only humans, bears, and swine are susceptible) since then, I have been seeing pork offered less and less cooked, first “rosé” (not quite well done), now blatantly medium well and medium. Haven’t heard of any deaths, but probably not a good idea with wild boar. USDA and lawsuits seem to have accomplished something since Sinclair Lewis.

With fish, if it smells bad, it is bad. Also look for parasites, they are often visible.

Alcohol kills many biotic contaminants, yeast famously produces many many lovely things like beer and wine, but is killed it’s own product. Most beer until very recently was below 5% because that is where the yeast that created it drowned. Wine averages 13% for the same reason (different strains of yeast)

Salt and sugar both kill simple organisms by sucking the water out of the cells of often single celled biota through osmosis.

Dessication kills almost everything. Of course, dry is relative- things do live in death valley.

One of the major misunderstandings about how food goes bad has to do with the mechanism of microbial growth. If you have cooked something, it is effectively free of most harmful biota at a certain temperature. As it cools, at varying temperatures it becomes a hospitable environment for a variety of bacteria, mold, microbes, and all stuff that is evil. The keys are:” is the stuff good to eat?”, “is there enough moisture?”, “is the stuff the right P.H. and or salinity ?”, and “Is the stuff a comfortable temperature to live in?”. if the answer to enough of these questions is yes, then Mr and Mrs D. Zeaze move in and start to multiply. The longer the environment is hospitable, the more multiplying the family does. At some point, one of two things happens: the the temperature drops to below a hospitable level, and the multiplication begins to slow, or the multiplication continues unchecked and the food becomes sewage. Mind you, even if the temperature drops to a certain point, and even if growth slows it still continues...eventually all food will go bad, but there is a tipping point before which you can eat with impunity. Very few air borne pathogens will affect you in low concentrations, otherwise you would kill yourself every time you inhaled; Generally, it is only when these minute life forms have overcrowded your food and fouled it with their own waste that they can sicken you.

Also, remember: there are good microbes out there, too. Yogurt and cheese, and sour cream and creme fraiche- all products of bio activity. Salami, prosciutto, aged prime rib, sauerkraut, kim chee, vinegar, wine, beer, bread...

So. Keep it clean. Be aware of your food, smell it, look at it, taste it. Learn the different odors that hint at age, or point at decay with neon letters, and act accordingly. A whisper of sour in a chicken stock may disappear upon boiling, an eye tearing whiff will not. The same with a chicken breast- our fore fathers used to hang fowl by the feet until it “broke down” (rotted) enough to fall before considering it fit for the table. I am by no means suggesting that you do this. I will say that if you bought chicken home yesterday and upon opening you detect a slightly off odor, it may just be a bit on the skin, or in the absorbent pad that the chicken came on. Try a cold water rinse. If the smell disappears or almost disappears, then you will be able to cook it without fear. If it is imbued with a (fowl) foul odor, even after a rinse then it is evil. If you have a poor sense of smell...maybe this is not a good marker for you.

There are also visual clues. We have all seen moldy bread, and the furry nightmare that was in the dorm fridge. If something does not look like it did when it came off of the stove then you should be even more wary then if it smells slightly off. Sometimes liquids that have been frozen will become cloudy, sometimes soups made with meat (chicken, beef, veal in particular) stock will become gelatinous. These things happen. But if a clear liquid becomes cloudy in the fridge because there is a lot of new matter in it then this is a cause for concern. Fur and mold are almost universally bad, except on some cheeses.

Also, GASSES are almost universally bad. If your chili is bubbling and it is only, say, seventy or a hundred degrees, do not assume that it is because you have used a sufficient number of habeneros. It is not THAT hot, it is poison.

Be safe!

go jerk some beef.